My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
