Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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