now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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