i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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