I wanna bring you to show and tell
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize