i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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