i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
