dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Randomize
