Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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