My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
