I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
