I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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