Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize