I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
my liver is dry heaving
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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