the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
are you so shy because you have an std?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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