I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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