She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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