dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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