I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
