It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
