plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize