You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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