By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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