Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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