Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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