She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Who died my cat blue again?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
