I wish I could teleport
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
