i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My bed smells like the plague
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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