tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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