I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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