I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
