Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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