At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
