so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize