please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
