i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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