umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
