he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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