I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
