somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
there's paper in my vomit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
