not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
