Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
