did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
