I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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