I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
