I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
