All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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