I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
