cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
