At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
