Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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