Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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