If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
