I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
