i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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