Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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