There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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