But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
