dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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